Vikes v. Eagles - Eat it Philly

So someone showed up last night and it wasn't That Guy Who Killed All Those Dogs. Welcome the Joe Webb era. Pretty exciting, probably some sort of crushing disappointment looming with him but he looked great last night. How about that run for his tuddy, he's got the shake 'n bake down. Oh, and the Iggles looked terrible. That Guy Who Killed All Those Dogs was really bad, he got flustered when he got hit and threw some bad passes (which we couldn't turn into INTs, which is unreal.) As I texted to BG "The Eagles look like lots of Vikings teams we've had to watch over the years. Lots."

We'll I'm as pleased as I can be for a 6 and 9 Vikings team that has endured. Particularly for this guy.

Play of the year

We have been negative on here for a while. Let's try to go positive and throw out some plays of the year. I nominate the Thome homer that literally left Hawk Harrelson speechless. If I had 4 I would compose the list myself. However, I do not so I need your help.

Vikes v. Eagles - Disappointment postponed

Shouldn't really be a shocker that this game was not played today, right? End this, please.





On another note: I hate Jimmy Fallon. But this is pretty great. Bruce! (Based on this song.)

RTS awards 2010

Please add to the list or tell me where I am wrong. I whipped this up pretty quick.

The don't let the door hit you in the ass award. The nominees:
A. Tim Brewster
B. Brett Favre
C. Brad Childress
D. Randy Moss

The winner is... Brett Favre. I hated him for years, was leery of bringing him in in the first place, was sucked into irrational thinking while the Vikes were winning only to be slapped in the face with his penis.

How are you so gosh darn stupid?!? award. The nominees:
A. Brad Childress
B. Tim Brewster
C. Sidney Rice
D. Royce White (Sure it was 2009, but we missed the opportunity to nominate him last year)

The winner is... Sidney Rice. He dismissed 2 doctors recommendations for surgery as soon as the season ended only to have the surgery right before the season started. He put the first hole in this titanicesque season. The cherry on the top was that in his return he had a huge game leaving the fans wondering what if.

The STFU right now award. The nominees:
A. Chris Kluwe
B. Minnesota sluggers
C. Randy Moss
D. Minnesota fans (Your teams suck, get used to it)
E. Tim Brewster

The winner is... Minnesota sluggers. Mark Teixeira had no problem tattooing one out of the park in game 1.

Worst Minnesota team 2010:
A. Gopher Football
B. Vikings
C. Timberwolves
D. The post season Minnesota Twins

The winner is...The post season Minnesota Twins. How predictable was that 3 game series? In a year when everyone said the Yankees were suspect, the Twins could not even win 1 game. Not one! They were even at home for 2 games! Of all the teams on this list they were the only one who really had a chance to improve on last year and alas it was the same old result.

Football Gods to LOSBW: Get Some.

We're just taunting you now. Nothing to say, really. Pretty much just bored.

Oh hey. While we've got you, did you like us throwing Favre out there? Pretty awesome, right? That sprain healing up in 12 hours? Basically, medically impossible. What a comeback. Even for us -- What an inspiring showing of resilliance. Man, that must have Gotten your juices flowing for a small but meaningful story line in an otherwise meaningless game. We figured that, in the very least, we owed you that after everything we put you through. What a way to go out for an NFL legend who turned his back on his heritage for his longtime bitter rival. What a storyline. Just protect that shoulder and tough it out one last time, so you can make your final walk off that field as a returning hero on national television .

Oh, wait. We've been watching the DVR'd game. We turned it off after the first five minutes and all the Favre comeback hype. Just catching up. Did he reinjure that shoulder? Hold on. We need to rewind that. Oh, no! That was a completely unrelated, but career ending concussion. Whoops. Didn't see that coming, did you, bitches?

You can call us directly at 1-800-Suck it.

Football Gods to LOSBW: Message Received.

To: LOSBW
Fr: Football Gods
re: Your Failures


We have received your request to cease and desist. After significant internal review and debate we have decided to offer, and hope you consider, this generous counter-proposal:

Go Fuck Yourselves.

We are going to dangle a throwback winter wonderland trip down memory lane out there for all of you, and do it in a totally sad and meaningless way. We need to remind you, it didn't HAVE to be meaningless. It could have been amazing. AMAZING. How exciting would it be for all of you if this game was deciding the NFC North title for the Vikings? Outside and snowy like it used to be. Wouldn't you all love to see those throwback Viking warriors from the dominating 70's teams walking on the sidelines of a snowy, outdoor game against the Chicago Bears? A win would propel you into the playoffs, or heck, even if it was just to keep your playoffs alive? Yeah, so we are making sure that all the unlikely things that had to happen to keep your mathematical playoff hopes alive if you had just beaten the Giants and won your last three games when everyone was saying it was a lost cause so it didn't really matter - (remember that? It was last week) - yeah, those things like the bucs losing to the lions - we are making sure each and every one of those things happens. You know, just so you can't say "we were out of it a month ago". Nope, you could have made it even after all the hell we put you through. You just didn't man up. So anyhooo, enjoy the game.

Oh, just so you know, we are going to send Mike Leach over to Maryland. You know, that powerhouse school. It's ok. How could the University of Minnesota compete with a proven winner like that? Such resources and support. Did you know their 1980's stadium holds over 30,000 people? It never does, because nobody goes. But it could. But that division II guy you guys landed was a pretty big coup too. We helped make sure he didn't take the offer from Gustavus. So thank us, and shut the fuck up.

Sincerely,

The Football Gods, esq.
FG:dtk

Football Gods Violate Cease and Desist

Well, that didn't last long. Having Favre say he is going to play now? Come on, Football Gods, Cease and Desist means Cease and Desist, prepare for legal action.

FTLOSBW to Football Gods: Cease and Desist

Prior to Monday Night's game against the Bears (which is fraught with potential to be the latest installment in the 2010 Vikings list of embarrassments, we're suppose to get 4 to 8 inches of snow now) FTLOSBW has issued a Cease and Desist.

To: Football Gods

Date: December 19, 2010

Pursuant to my rights under the National Football League Fan Appreciation Brochure, I am requesting that you cease and desist communication with my football team. You are hereby notified that if you do not comply with this request, I will immediately file a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission and the Minnesota Attorney General’s office. Civil and criminal claims will be pursued.

Signed: FTLOSBW

Witnessed: The internet

Nishioka to Twins (almost); FTLOSBW Gives Official Nickname

Looks like it's all but a done deal, we're going to the Far East for a middle infielder - intriguing.


Two things -

1. I like the move. Why not? We know what we got with Hardy (a lot of days off) and this opens up a little bit of a market in the Japan for the Twins.


2. FTLOSBW officially calling Nishioka - "Grogan" (click here) - "But Grogan, what about your irrational need to crush everything small!"



Note: Delta Airlines - keeps on giving with it's free wireless - 2nd FTLOSBW post at 33,000 feet and flying at 567 mph. Exciting times for FTLOSBW, exciting times.

HHH to Minnesota: "Maybe you didn't hear me. Take my name off this piece of shit. Like, remove it from books and stuff. I'm not kidding anymore."

Who wants to bet that that whole piece of shit roof needs to be replaced? Let's get some Gamblor odds on that one.

Zygi's worst nightmare. People are going to start saying that team needs to just move to TCF.

This agression will not stand, man.

OK, Football Gods, stop, please. Stop what you're doing to Vikings fans. We are 3 games from the end of what has been the most horribly bizarre year in sports for any franchise. 2010 was bad. Real bad. Bad even for a team that you've been torturing for 50 years. But 2010 wasn't just a trade that was bad (Herschel) or bad PR (boat ride) or someone going on a rant about how they were going to sue ownership (The Sheriff) or a draft pick turning up in camo "ready for war" only to freak out (Underwood) or taking a knee (highest scoring offense) or not making the catch when you needed to make the catch (Darren Nelson) or rolling over in the first 2 minutes of a game and ruining my trip to Vegas (41-0.) No you were cruel all those years too but 2010 started shitty and just kept getting shittier. In January, there were 12 guys on the field and a "classic" interception (by "classic" I of course mean "knife to the heart") soon thereafter the fucking New Orleans Saints won the goddam Superbowl. You bastards, the Saints!?!?! You could have stopped there and for a moment it looked like you were going to as the off-season was about how we're getting the band back together. But you weren't done, Football Gods, oh no, you were only starting. In August/September we learned how key a young receiver (I'm looking at you fucking Sidney) actually is to an aging QB. In Sept/Oct that very same QB is in trouble for allegedly taking pictures of his penis on his cellphone and sending them to an NFL employee. Read that sentence again. Good one, Football Gods, didn't see that coming. I mean you can't make it up. Adding insult to insult to injury at the very same time a Hall of Famer's wang is making national attention we make a trade for a guy who could be an answer at WR (I don't hold you responsible Zygi, I liked the move and anyone who says different is lying or a douche.) Of course, Football Gods, you can't just let that be "awesome." Nope, the same cancer reappears and apparently a local food vendor bares the brunt of the tantrum. Nice twist, Football Gods, creative. Up until this point Football Gods even you have to admit this was getting silly but what's fucked up is that it hasn't even gotten weird yet. In the span of 4 weeks, the cancer is cut out (Randy, I still hope you go in to the HOF as a Viking) which sets off a domino effect as it is also the last straw for guy who was in year one of a new deal he just inked (Chilly, your boobery will not stand!) All of a sudden it's early December we're riding a winning streak (two!) and in the middle of a 3 game home stand. Pause for a second because it's important to mention that Football Gods have been known to reward for suffering (how else did Cardinals go to the SB let alone how did the Bucs actually win it?) and some may have thought things were starting to balance out. But not this time Football Gods, you go to uncharted waters and have the shittiest venue in sports literally collapse the day before a game. To make matters worse said game is then played in Detroit (clever, Football Gods, clever) where the team lies down like a dog and gets the shit kicked out of it. And finally (who am I kidding, we're not done) we are home for a MNF game against the Bears which we are now playing at the fucking Bank.

Football Gods, it's too much. I'd call a truce but I'm not sure what agressive act I should be stopping as it seems pretty one sided up to this point. In an odd way, I feel like you owe me now. Owe me big for enduring. Like how Andy Dufresne was OWED after 20 years in the lock up, the ass rape and beatings, crawling through five-hundred yards of shit smelling foulness. Sound familiar? I'm owed.

Memo to: Big T(12)en Officials

Re: Are you fucking serious with these football division names?

Please tell me you're not serious. Legends and leaders? Fuck off - really? You're just screwing with us.

Wait, you ARE serious, aren't you? Oh MY GOD! Why not Cars and Cows? Or Farms and Factories? How long did you spend deliberating on this? Was it in excess of 20 seconds?

You have brought shame to the entire Midwest. This fuels at least another 15 years of the rest of the country laughing at our lack of sophistication and our celebration of the cheesy.

Colossally Lame. Boo.

FTLOSBW - Frozen

Hubert H. Humphrey to Metropolitan Sports Commission: "Can you please remove my name from this piece of Shit?"

(From my phone this morning.)







Well, for anyone still wondering if we need a new stadium.

A nice exclamation point to the punchline of the joke that has been this season. Maybe they can play it at the actual mall of america. Note to Minnesota: 16 inches of snow isn't usually enough to cancel an NFL game. By usually, I mean ever.

They say it looks like a big bowl of sugar. Right. Sugar.

What we need:

Old Man (Winter) to Lay Area Wide Smack Down

Well, it's already been a cold and long Winter and we're not to Christmas. Not a good thing. Three plowable snowfalls and temps "ass cold" (January/February-like.) Tonight we're in the mix for a blizzard, biggest since, you guessed it Halloween 1991. Followed by an arctic blast, you know good ole "check-on-your-neighbors" cold. Some say Sunday's high of - 3 is punishment by the Norse Gods upset with our military's "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy.

Today was the calm before the storm.



And today was the storm.

Invitation for the RTS college football office pool

I run a college football office pool. If anyone would like to participate please let me know and I will send you a sheet. The games are weighted and you pick the winners straight up no spread. It is $10. Last year I had 50 people. I doubt I will have as many this year.

Big Ten to get their asses handed to them in the bowls

A quick run down by date:

12/28 Insight.com Bowl Iowa Vs Missouri. Congratulations Iowa, count 'em 6 Big Ten teams are playing on New Years day or in a BCS bowl and you are not one of them. There is nothing to make me think that a team that could not get up for games at the end of the year is going to get up for a lesser bowl. The match up for Iowa is tough too. Missouri loves to pass, pass and pass some more. Iowa's pass rush has disappeared and the secondary has not been all that great (I am looking at you cornerback Micah Hyde, please have Micah Jekyll show up). Gamblor takes Missouri.

12/29 Texas Bowl Illinois Vs Baylor. This game is between two middle of the road teams and could go either way. Baylor is playing in it's first bowl game in 16 years (and we thought the Gophers had it bad). One would think Baylor will be all fired up and play above their abilities, but it does not always work out that way. The Illini boast the 13th ranked rushing attack, but that attack only resulted in 6 wins. Also, the Illini still have Ron Zook as their head coach and that is never good.

1/1 Ticketcity Bowl Northwestern Vs Texas Tech. Is this what was the Cotton Bowl? On the egregious sponsorship scale I put this right behind changing the Citrus Bowl to the Capital One Bowl and ahead of allowing the Galleryfurniture.com to sponsor anything (it is now defunct)*. Is Dan Persa coming back for this one? If not this is a no brainer for Texas Tech. I'll say the Big ten splits the Ticketcity and the Texas Bowl.

At this point, I see the Big Ten being 1-2 at best and 0-3 at worst. Here is where the real asskicking begins:

1/1 Outback Bowl Florida Vs Penn State. Word of advice, never get the blooming onion at Outback. It sounds good but in reality it is too salty and the sauce sucks. Florida is not very good but Penn State is even more mediocre. This one could be a snoozer, don't get up early to watch it. I see Florida winning a low scoring affair.

1/1 Capital One Alabama Vs Michigan State. There are football cliches that get thrown around like "that is why they play the game" or "on any given day." You can throw those right out the window. This one will never be in question for Alabama.

1/1 Gator Bowl Mississippi St Vs Michigan. Michigan has no business being in this bowl. Michigan went 3-5 in the Big Ten and landed in a New Years day bowl. They can thank Iowa for losing their last 3 (Iowa was 4-4 but no one wants a team that gave up on it's season). Those 3 wins were over Indiana, Purdue and Illinois in 3OT. They may have made the Gator Bowl but their defense still sucks. Mississippi St easily takes out the Wolverines.

This where things get better:

1/1 Rose Bowl Wisconsin Vs TCU. Tough game, but I actually like Wisco in this one. They have seemed like a team on a mission. When they were winning close games early QB Scott Tolzien said something along the lines of "You don't want to peak too early." They certainly saved their best football for last. I think that Wisco will wear down TCU's very good defense and come away with the victory.

1/4 Sugar Bowl Ohio St vs Arkansas. I like Ohio State here. The last thing OSU fans want to see is OSU up by less than a TD midway through the 4th quarter and Jim Tressel get all conservative. Arkansas can throw the football and will score. Tressel needs to be uncharacteristically aggressive and go for the jugular. Maybe he should loosen up the neck tie and unbutton the first button to show he means business.

All in all, I have the Big Ten going 3-5, winning the 2 BCS games to save some face. There is not one game that I think will be an easy victory for the Big Ten.

*I just noticed there is the Beef'O'Brady's St. Petersburg Bowl. What the cuss is a Beef'OBrady? This could be worse than Galleryfurniture.com. Further research is needed.

FINALLY! A Serious Coach with Big Time Experience. Oh, Wait.

Well, I don't know what's sadder. That this is our choice. Or that this is the best we can do.

A Rant from 30,000 Feet - We Root For Losers

I'm sitting on a flight from Newark to MSP as I write this (Delta has given everyone free wifi access for Xmas, woo hoo!- for a limited time only - bah humbug!) and I thought that I'd publish the first FTLOSBW post from 30,000 feet (also, I'm bored, the guy next to me is asleep, the Chinese woman in front of me has put her damn seat back and my f'ing light doesn't work so I can't read a book I've been trying to finish so instead I thought I would rant a bit.)

I text this to BG regularly: "We root for losers." True? I think so. Take the Twins, Vikings, and Gophers (I don't follow the Woofies or Wild but I haven't seen any announcements of titles so I'm guessing we haven't won anything there.) Now, remove any Gopher football bowl wins because only Joel Maturi would point to Sun Bowl, Music City Bowl, Independence Bowl wins as a sign of success and hang a banner for it. I count a total of 7 legitimate “Championships” in our 36 years on earth = 2 Twins and 5 Gopher hockey, unless I'm missing something. And that's stretching it considering the big-stage-relevance of college hockey let alone that 3 Gopher titles came before we started kindergarten. Kinda pathetic, right?

To rub salt in the open wound of titlelessness, let’s look at my favorite team, the Vikings. During my formative NFL years (I'd say ages 8 to 18, roughly 1982 to 1992) where I began to truly bleed Purple, there was a crop of teams that were jokes in the league. Teams that, by all accounts, were never, ever, ever going to make it to the Superbowl. OK, not 'never ever' but at the very least seemed doomed to always be worse than us. Teams that could never seem to get it together enough to get out of their own way to win, teams that had fans who wore paper sacks over their heads to games, teams that no matter what just kinda sucked.

Now, get in your time machine, go back to when you were 17 and then read the below list (I get it that you can't do that because your computer wouldn't exist in 1991 to read the list on but then again your time travel can't really happen but if it does and you’ve figured out how to crack the time-space continuum, you probably should figure out how to bring your computer, but I digress.) I included some teams that weren’t actually around during our formative years but have found a way to tast the very glory that eludes me to this day. Just to punish everyone, I thought we'd start with a Vikings heartbreaker -

• Superbowl 33 - 1999 - Falcons (L)
• Superbowl 34 - 2000 - Rams (W) v. Titans (L)
• Superbowl 35 - 2001 - Ravens (W)
• Superbowl 36 - 2002 - Rams go again (L)
• Superbowl 37 - 2003 - Tampa f'ing Bay (W; reflect on that for a minute)
• Superbowl 38 - 2004 - Carolina f'ing Panthers (L)
• Superbowl 40 - 2006 - Seahawks (L)
• Superbowl 41 - 2007 - Colts (W)
• Superbowl 43 - 2009 - Cardinals (L)
• Superbowl 44 - 2010 - Colts again (L) v. Saints (W)

That’s 10 teams, a third of the league who were pretty much terrible, that have at least gone to the Superbowl while I sit in my basement with DTK and seeeeeethhhh over things like 12 men on the field.

I guess what I'm saying is, we root for a football team that has gone to 20% of the NFC title games, actually played in 10% (roughly) of the Superbowls (not that I remember them) and have 0% of the Lombardi trophies. I therefore conclude, we root for a loser. Armchair psychologists would ask “why we root for losers” which, to me, is nothing more than a question of geography and time. Those same armchair psychologists would then ask "do you plan to continue to root for 'a loser'" to which I would reply "Yes."