Open Letter to Red States

Guys, I thought this was hilarious (regardless of your leanings, really):

Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all of the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percentof the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, CalTech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred - unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory and 53 percent believe that Saddam was involved in 9/11.

Peace out,

Blue States

For your viewing pleasure

It is almost Halloween and it is a slow day at work. I thought I would put together a list of horror movies that maybe worth seeing but a little bit off the beaten trail. In no particular order, here is the list:

10. Evil Dead 2- If you are a fan of horror, chances are you have seen this. It is my personal favorite of Sam Raimi’s trilogy. The concept is nothing new; a group of people get caught in the woods battling forces they don’t understand. More laughs than scares. Bruce Campbell is fantastic as Ash.

9. CUBE- It is kind of a horror movie with the paranoia of the unknown and kind of sci-fi at the same time. The concept is a group of strangers are trapped in a maze. They don’t know where they are or how they got there. I am sure the acting is worse than I remember, but I remember being entertained.

8. Audition- Back before the blog was up, I wrote a detailed email about this movie. If you want a movie that will make you cringe and say “Oh my god” out loud repeatedly, this is for you. I am not watching it again, a little too much for me.

7. Requiem for a Dream- Yeah I know it is not a horror movie. Try popping a couple of prescription painkillers, drinking a few beers and watching it. The inner mind trip will have you so freaked out about what you are doing with your life that it is scarier than anything you have ever experienced. Well, at least that is what someone told me.

6. Dawn of the Dead (the original) - I love zombie movies. I also prefer my zombies to be slow as opposed to the super charged fast moving zombies. Anyway, some survivors hole up in a shopping mall and do battle with zombies and a motorcycle gang. Whenever I get caught shopping with the wife at a department store, I sometimes think what if…?

5. Texas Chainsaw Massacre with commentary- I know, I just picked one of the top cult classics of all time. Seriously though, I thought the movie was stupid when I saw it in high school, but I caught it on IFC with commentary by Tobe Hooper and Gunnar Hansen and the commentary is 100% more interesting than the actual movie. Believe me I am not a big commentary guy, but this commentary does a good job of explaining how a lot of these movies get made and the hurdles they have to clear while filming on such a small budget.

4. The Mist- The most recent movie on my list. So many of Stephen King’s books are turned into terrible movies but I really enjoyed this one. The synopsis is a group of people trapped in a grocery store battling the unknown after a strange mist blankets the city. Sounds very familiar to a lot of the other plots.

3. Shaun of the Dead- Like I said, I like my zombie movies. It has some good laughs and pokes fun at horror movies better than a movie like Club Dread.

2. Invasion of the Body Snatchers- I am talking about the 1970’s Donald Sutherland flick. We have all seen it, most likely as a channel nine movie at 9 or something like that. I recently watched it and I thought it held up well. It was not too cheesy.

1. Pet Sematary- I know that this movie is horrible. That being said, someone on this blog, we will call him Jan, was so scared watching this in high school that he forced the rest of us to turn it off. To you Jan, I say face your demons and watch this movie. To everyone else I say don’t waste your time.

Brush with Fame: The Sidney Ponson File

Recently I came across a co-worker of my better half who casually admitted that she:

1. Hooked up (twice) with 1995 AL Rookie of the Year Marty Cordova

and

2. Knows Sidney Ponson

Random? Yes. Shocking? Definitely. Creepy? Yeah, kind of, at least the Ponson part.

Now, being the red,white, and blue lovin' Twins fan that I am I had to delve a little deeper (to protect the innocent, we'll call her: "Lucinda".) As it turns Lucinda's family has vacationed on the island of Aruba for years and got to know Sir Sid (not sure how they came across him but. . .) In the early part of this decade Lucinda was living in Atlanta (shout out to RTS) and both Sid and Marty found themselves on one of those hapless O's teams (67 wins in 2002, where have you gone Earl Weaver?) The O's were making a trip to Atlanta to play an inter league game against the Braves and Sid called up Lucinda to see if she and some of her friends wanted to go out with a few guys from the O's - Marty being one of them. And the rest is history.

Few notes:

1. When asked what Marty was like Lucinda said "total player." He even asked Lucinda to send him naked photos of herself and send them to him (she declined of course.) He was, however, "hot."

2. When asked about what Sir Sid was like Lucinda said "kind of a jerk. Not to me or my family but he doesn't think the law applies to him, hence his arrests and drinking issues." No shocker there.

I voted!

Done with that, I mailed in my ballot today. Cynthia McKinney of the Green Party got my vote for those wondering. The absentee ballot is the way to go. Not only was I able to avoid the lines but I was able to research each candidate online as I filled out my ballot. Sure, Ms. Mckinney had me from the moment she got rid of her corn rows and threw her phone at the security guard , but for the candidates running for PSC and other lower profile positions the added research made me feel a whole a lot better about my vote. The only downside I see is my vote probably won't count in some voting fraud scandal.

Gophers #17 in BCS...

...I can't believe I just typed that.

Did you guys see this from this weekend?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAfiiQEyzjw

The ref was exonerated of any wrong doing, but I'm not so sure. The fact that he is a former linebacker adds to my skepticism...

Did I Mention...

that I had a little bit of seller's remorse about trading Garza, regardless of what Delmon did? I didn't realize the regret would come so soon.

Vikingslandia News and Notes

Just thought I would put these items out there -

1. Not so fast there Thomas Tapeh. I think you have something of Mr. Wilf's.

2. Can't we just end the Napoleon Harris experiment? Hell, we can't end the Dontarious Thomas experiment and we didn't trade on of the top 5 recievers all-time to get him. Whatever play Chicago has called "they have a crappy middle linebackers" I'm guessing we are gonna see a lot of it.

Just how average have the Vikings been?

I added up the Ws and Ls from the last 25 years. Here are my findings:

year wins losses trend
83 8 8
84 3 13 down
85 7 9 up
86 9 7 up
87* 8 7 down
88 11 5 up
89 10 6 down
90 6 10 down
91 8 8 up
92 10 6 up
93 9 7 down
94 10 6 up
95 8 8 down
96 9 7 up
97 9 7 even
98 15 1 up
99 10 6 down
2000 11 5 up
2001 5 11 down
2002 6 10 up
2003 9 7 up
2004 8 8 down
2005 9 7 up
2006 6 10 down
2007 8 8 up
total 212 187
ave 8.48 7.48
% 0.531328 0.468672

# of wins # of times
0-6 5
7,8,9 13
10+ 7

*strike year

On the plus side of things, over the past 25 years the vikings have averaged 8.48 wins a year and have won 25 games more than they have lost or 1 game more each year. They have had more 11+ win years than 11 or more loss years and the same goes for more 10 win years than 10 loss years. On the negative side of things, if you made a bar graph of the wins and losses and their frequency which I did but can not figure out how to post in here, it looks like the Vikings are a completely average team, with very few highs and lows. The majority of their seasons end with them within 1 game of .500, 13 times, which we all already knew. I am sorry that my data is not in nice clean columns again it did not like me copying the data from excel. I am sure it is an error on my part.

Vikes assessment at the 37.5% mark through the season

We live in a non-stop world where we never have enough time to take a step back and reflect on where we are 37.5% of the way through anything let alone a NFL season. Sure, "halfway points", "quarterly check-ins", "year-in-review" type stuff are easy but almost cliche, no?

I'd like to revisit my post from April 15, 2008 where I predicted a Vikes 8-8 season (not really taking credit for anything with that, I think you just have to do the math or be a fan) and let's look at where I thought we would be at this point:

Sept. 8: Vikings at Green Bay - Loss; Enter the Aaron Rogers era.

Sept. 14: Indianapolis at Vikings - Loss (blowout); you kidding me?

Sept. 21: Carolina at Vikings - Loss; just have a feeling we start 0-3

Sept. 28: Vikings at Tennessee - Win; NFL loves parity

Oct. 6: Vikings at New Orleans - Win (ugly); Plus, someone on the Vikes has an 'off the field issue' in the big easy

Oct. 12: Detroit at Vikings (noon, FOX) - Win; they suck

4 for 6 isn't too bad just needed to flip the Carolina and Tennessee comments.

Next I had:

"Oct. 19: Vikings at Bears (noon, FOX) - Win; they suck too"

The "they suck" part is wrong but I'll stick with predicting the win, hell, if Sunday's win is considered a "great win" by the Oracle of Offense Chilly, then picking us at Soldier Field isn't as crazy as it sounds.

Don't Want To Be An American Idiot...

I know this is totally off-topic, and I've always tried to keep the politics off this thing (just in case some outsiders were actually to visit this place), but sometimes I just feel compelled. Johnny Drama and Bible Spice (wish I had made those up) and their hate-baiting antics have me so pissed off I just can't resist today.

Anyway, per the caption, I think this is what Green Day had in mind...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjxzmaXAg9E

Yep, there's the dignity and humility of small town American values, right there. Yo, Strongsville, Ohio, you want to know why the rest of us condescend to you? Because you think rank ignorance is a fucking virtue, that's why, you morons. This is why Democrats should just abandon that state. It's stabbed them in the back twice in a row and, given the macro factors in this election, should be favoring Obama by about 20 points but instead is dead even. This town is in northern Ohio, by the way. It's not like it's in the super red Cincinnati suburbs or something.

Also, break out the banjos!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vkinVPfeNls&watch_response

That one's mostly just funny, but good lord, the ignorance is pretty astonishing. Where do all these GOP mf'ers get off calling supporters of the other guy "Obamabots" anyway? I think we can all see in which party's ranks the unthinking zombie puppet demographic truly resides.

ps - while I like "Bible Spice" and "Failin" and "Sarah W. Bush," the funniest I've heard yet is "Satire's Assassin."

TCF Bank Stadium

Let's hope TCF isn't the next institution brought to its knees by the debt crisis, because this stadium is really taking shape. Personally, I am pumped to see the Gophers move back into a legitimate college facility.

Anyway, courtesy of Father BG (via a Gopher webiste of some sort), here are a few photos of the new stadium. It's much further along than I thought it was...and I guess that's good, as they start playing there next fall.

Saints = Poor Man's Vikings Team

Honestly, that was the kind of Saint's performance that reminded me of our very own Minnesota Vikings. We are the kind of team that would lose on MNF even after returning 2 punts for tuddies. That's the kind of game where we wouldn't be able to get out of our own way to win.

By the way, overlooked is the fact that we own the Saints. Can't say that about too many teams. With last night's win, head to head versus the Aint's we move to: 20-7 and 8-5 on the road against them.

Argument in a bar - AJ & Nick Punto

At a bar on Friday night (as some of you may know from my text) I was asked by a friend what my thoughts were on the 2008 Twins. We'll call my friend "Fred" because, well, that's his name and there is no "protect the innocent" in my world, if the innocent are "innocent" they should get a lawyer (RTS - different "Fred" than you know.) As I reflected on the season I apparently stepped on Fred's toes, to put it mildly. Two topics came up that stoked the fires: AJ and Nick Punto. I didn't get ticked at Fred because Fred had some harebrained views rather it was because when I said that I hated AJ and that I thought Punto was not our solution at shortstop and that Punto actually cost us 3 or 4 games with errors in 2008, I was told, in no uncertain terms, "you don't know what you are talking about. You haven't watched nearly as many games or bet on as many games as I have and don't have a basis for your argument. Seriously, you are really off base and don't understand it." That's what he said to me. Honestly, I felt like I was in the Big Lebowski "you have no frame of reference here, Per. You're like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie. . ."

So, I chalked most of it up to his being really drunk and not realizing he was being an assface. However, I woke up in the morning, ticked off and needing to prove my point and what better way than FTLOSBW.

A.J.

The issue over AJ was my comment that I "hated him." Fred told me I was ridiculous and didn't realize how good AJ was. I tried to tell Fred that I hated him because he was a douchebag but Fred went on to detail some run in with AJ at a restaurant following Game 4 of the 2002 ALCS where the Twins were down in that series 3-1 and Fred's father approached AJ at that restaurant and said "Hey, thanks for the season" and AJ apparently responded "We're not done yet! ! ! It ain't over! ! !" in some sort of "I'm a competitor! ! !" inspiring way (remember, we then went on to get clobbered 13-5 in Game 5.) Fred continued by telling me how great AJ was when was with the Twins (yeah, knew that, thanks) and it wasn't his fault he was traded (again, I follow the team, I was 'up to speed' on that one too.) My point was, AJ is a dickhead. He reminds me of that kid on the playground who threw fits when things weren't going his way and always argued that the calls were going against him. I said nothing about him not delivering clutch hits or making plays, just that the guy is, well, a f'er. It hurts that much more when he delivers a clinch hit against the Twins because I don't like the guy as personally as I can get to know him through my t.v. and the internet. Ozzie sums it up perfectly: "You play against A.J., you hate him. You play with A.J., you hate him a little less."

Here are some examples of why I hate AJ:

He is in the middle of stuff like this

and crap like this

Plus, he is totally the kind of guy that does this - half a page down

Nick Punto

My rant on Punto wasn't that the guy was an poor infielder, it was that he was an average infielder and that he actually cost us games in 2008 with errors (I didn't mention his sometimes brutal plate appearances or the fact that he is as likely to hit .210 as he is .300.) This is where I got a little pissed as Fred got extremely condescending.

Just to prove that I wasn't talking out of my arse, here are a few games that Nicky's glove cost us this year that I remembered and was able to quickly Google and find.

May 31, 2008; Yankees v. Twins -

Punto’s fielding error led to three unearned runs. Twins lost 7-6 in 12 innings.

Aug. 28, 2008; M's v. Twins -

Bottom of 9th, up 2-1. Punto dropped a three-hop grounder from Jose Lopez for an error. Rookie pinch-hitter Clement hit into a double play that scored Beltre and sent the game to extra innings. Twins lost 4-2 in 11 innings.

Sept. 3, 2008; Toronto v. Twins -

Punto's error in the seventh allowed Toronto to tie the score 3-3 at the time; lost 5-4 in 11-innings.

To back up my "gut" feeling, I implore you to look at Aaron Gleeman's blog. Go down to the second bullet point for Tuesday, September 09, 2008.

I would like to just say: "In your face, Fred."

A lesson from History

I'm gonna diverge just a bit. Last night I went to a talk by David McCullough. You may know him (author of Truman, John Adams.) I saw him speak a number of years ago with my dad and went again last night with the in-laws and my mom. McCullough doesn't talk about history in terms of dates and figures, he speaks more about leadership (the Presidency), how we are a nation founded on ideals that are rooted in learning, and the importance of education in the U.S. Kind of talk that makes you want to go read a book.

I bring this up because part of his talk pulled a quote from FDR's first inagural address March 4, 1933. Read the excerpt below. Amazing how much we can learn from history and how certain leaders are able to pull us through 'tough' times. Yes, this is the 'nothing to fear but fear itself' speech but there is so much more given the context of the time.

"I am certain that my fellow Americans expect that on my induction into the Presidency I will address them with a candor and a decision which the present situation of our Nation impels. This is preeminently the time to speak the truth, the whole truth, frankly and boldly. Nor need we shrink from honestly facing conditions in our country today. This great Nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and will prosper. So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance. In every dark hour of our national life a leadership of frankness and vigor has met with that understanding and support of the people themselves which is essential to victory. I am convinced that you will again give that support to leadership in these critical days."

. . .

"Yet our distress comes from no failure of substance. We are stricken by no plague of locusts. Compared with the perils which our forefathers conquered because they believed and were not afraid, we have still much to be thankful for. Nature still offers her bounty and human efforts have multiplied it. Plenty is at our doorstep, but a generous use of it languishes in the very sight of the supply. Primarily this is because the rulers of the exchange of mankind's goods have failed, through their own stubbornness and their own incompetence, have admitted their failure, and abdicated. Practices of the unscrupulous money changers stand indicted in the court of public opinion, rejected by the hearts and minds of men.

True they have tried, but their efforts have been cast in the pattern of an outworn tradition. Faced by failure of credit they have proposed only the lending of more money. Stripped of the lure of profit by which to induce our people to follow their false leadership, they have resorted to exhortations, pleading tearfully for restored confidence. They know only the rules of a generation of self-seekers. They have no vision, and when there is no vision the people perish.
The money changers have fled from their high seats in the temple of our civilization. We may now restore that temple to the ancient truths. The measure of the restoration lies in the extent to which we apply social values more noble than mere monetary profit.

Happiness lies not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort. The joy and moral stimulation of work no longer must be forgotten in the mad chase of evanescent profits. These dark days will be worth all they cost us if they teach us that our true destiny is not to be ministered unto but to minister to ourselves and to our fellow men."

The Debate

Did anyone else feel like they were watching a bad Hollywood cliche movie like Dave or Welcome to Mooseport last night? It was the classic guy from Washington vs the townie matchup. Mr. Washington is played kind of stuffy while the townie talked about how she used to run things at Andy's Hardware and threw in references to soccer moms, which is not as cute as it is in the movies. It was life imitating art, if you can call Welcome to Mooseport art.

In case you haven't heard, the next President of the United States

I'm kind of a big deal.

http://www.tsgnet.com/pres.php?id=370617&altf=Qfs&altl=Qfufstpo

Seperated at birth, Nancy Pelosi and Mona from Who's the Boss

One of these played a man-crazy grandmother, the other one is from California's 8th district.

Yuck

That was, simply put, not much fun. Seeing all those goofballs in black exercise clothing whoop it up for their team full of scuzzballs up close and personal made me die a little bit inside. I wanted to have a big sign that said "It's a division title, people. Save it for something important." I don't like Sox fans much. Don't loathe them like the other Sox fans as a whole (there are exceptions, like the d-bag in our suite [not from my firm] last night, Mr. Hinsdale Banker, who spent the game yakking with someone about the best parochial schools on the south side and how they got their shaggy-haired kid Ethan into some place), but don't like them, either. They're just a little dull upstairs for me. I hated seeing Buehrle and the rest of those goons galloping around, too.

I will admit it was fun to see Griffey play live one more time. He showed he can still pull out that gorgeous swing of once in a while on that bullet of a double, and it made me smile. I'm happy for him.

As much of an apologist as I've been this year, I leave the season with two very bad tastes in my mouth, and I'm not sure which is worse. Failing to win two of three from the Kansas City Royals, AT HOME, or getting completely shut down by John F-ing Danks. We made solid contact three, three times, all night. Three times! We never even threatened to make it interesting at the end. No one seemed fired up enough, either. The one bright spot was that Blackburn was outstanding. Efficient, hit his spots all game. Made one mistake over 6+ innings.

I remain optimistic about the future of this team, but they need to find a vocal, outspoken leader who will rally the troops when the chips are down. Go-Go needs to become a .290 hitter with a .360 OBP. Something needs to be done on the DH/3B issue. Cuddyer, Kubel, Buscher, one of the starters (Perkins?) - put some of these guys on the block and get a legitimate solution figured out. Cuddy could be a full-time DH, package up Kubel and Buscher for a solid 3B for the next 3-4 years. That means a lot of faith being put into Span, but I think it's probably warranted after his season.