The Worst/Overplayed Classic Rock Songs

There is no caption spot, so here is the caption: I hope I am not giving anything away.

RTS: Jan, your little post about the Stones prompted me to place Exile on Main Street in my car CD player. Quite a feat since my CD player is in the trunk (really) and the rotation does not change all that often. I am sure I do not need to go through the merits of the album or the songs. However, as I rocked out to the singles Tumbling Dice and Happy, I wondered if die-hards would make fun of a casual listener like myself for still loving songs that classic rock stations have done their best to kill. I began googling to find where these songs stood in comparisons to other Stones songs. Neither was that far up there on any list, which made me Happy (da dum dum). As so often happens with the internet, one thing lead to another and I began to wonder what are the 10 worst/overplayed songs on classic rock stations? Jan are you up for taking a cooperative stab at it?

Jan: Yes and yes. Funny thing, Mrs. Jan and I play a game with KQRS: we choose 3 bands and then turn to the station to see what's playing. Something like: "Van Halen, Cheap Trick, Boston"

RTS: That must be like shooting fish in a barrel. I have not listened to KQ in 10 years and I bet I could nail it: Steely Dan, Eric Clapton, Thin Lizzy.

Jan: Why don't you go first.

RTS: You just want the #1 spot, but ok...

#10 Jump- Van Halen. I loved the original lineup of Van Halen as much as anyone during my HS years. I even used Van Halen lyrics in yearbook signings (what a tool I was), BUT this song has got to go. It seems to have become the representative song for the album and the band as a whole. It is not hard rockin' like other Van Halen songs, it highlights Eddie on keyboards giving it a defining 80s sound. When I hear it, I picture the crappy video where they are playing on a sound stage. In it's place radio stations could play Beautiful Girls (more) or Light Up the Sky from Van Halen II. Even a David Lee Roth solo song would be better than Jump.

Jan: #9. "Oye Como Va" - Santana. In college some older brothers in my fraternity played Santana on a semi-regular rotation. I found a lot to like by Carlos, this song was not one of them. It's a song you are suppose to want to like because it's Santana but it's more like when you get a box delivered to your house and you open it up and there is another box inside and a ton of styrofoam peanuts are now spilled all over your floor. This song is the styrofoam peanuts.

RTS: I am right there with you Oye Como Va definitely makes me jump to another station. See how I tied the two together, brilliant. Time to get the Led out...

#8 and 8a (I learned this trick betting on the ponies) Black Dog and Rock and Roll- Led Zeppelin. Again, I am making this selection with love. Great band, overplayed album, way over played songs. I have heard these so many times they blend together and I have to think for a minute which one is which. If I had to choose a song from Zepplin IV that needs more airtime to fill the gaping void that removing Black Dog and Rock and Roll would leave, I go with Four Sticks. Besides being a quality song, Four Sticks was not on the first box set and was thus not played all those nights I threw the box set on in a 4 disc shuffle. I do hear it every now and then on the radio. Here is an idea that would never fly, how about cut out the whole 3 song getting the led out session and just once the stations play all 8:28 of How Many More Times. I know that is just crazy talk.

Jan: #7 "I've See All Good People" - Yes. Songs that repeat annoying refrains make for annoying songs and "I've seen all good people turn their heads each day so satisfied I'm on my way" is an annoying refrain, ergo - I don't even have to finish the sentence. Apparently the song is suppose to be about Alice in Wonderland which adds to the annoyance in it's unoriginality (note: only Tom Petty is allowed to have a song(video) that has to do with Alice in Wonderland) not to mention the fact that the band is named "Yes" which, one could argue, is about as original as naming your album "The White Album" except for the fact that "The White Album" kicked ass.

RTS: Hmmmm, I did not know that was the name of that song, but it seems so obvious now. That one would not have made my top 10, however I am not about to make an argument in favor of it being removed from the list. The hard part of this list is not finding songs but separating out the 5 star candidates from the 3 star. It is like finding the largest pile of shit in the pig barn. Has anyone ever met a Yes fan? I owned one CD because I forgot to mail back the BMG card and then failed to mail back the CD. Maybe that is their niche. I think I abdondoneed it with several other crappy CDs (Ugky Kid Joe anyone) when I left for college. Anyway on to...

#6 Money for Nothing- Dire Straights. The gloves are coming off now, there are no more picks of love coming out my camp. It is my belief that 50% of all migraines would not occur if this song were to be removed from the radio. Even writing about this song I feel a headache coming on. This song belongs on a station where it can be followed by Billy Ocean. It is that soft semi rock crap that permeated the 80s. Not being a fan of Dire Straights, I can not offer a suitable replacement by them so I offer up George Harrison's What is Life. Conjuring up images of the helicopter scene in Goodfellas is a whole lot better than cruddy 80s graphics and MTV.

Jan: Are you saying my pick sucks? Thanks, thanks a lot.

#5 American Woman - The Guess Who. You're suppose to like this song because it sounds so "protest-y," like 1967 and 1968 banged and had a baby, that baby would be this song. For me, it's like a Steppenwolf and The Who banged and had a baby they gave up for adoption. I don't know what that means. Anyway, lyrics like "I don’t need your war machines, I don’t need your ghetto scenes, Colored lights can hypnotize, Sparkle someone else’s eyes" feel like something Dylan wrote inside the womb. I think part of the problem with the song is the band's name (I know, I hated "Yes" too but I think it's relevant.) "The Guess Who"? It's like in Spinal Tap when they first called their band "The Originals" and then when they found out there was another band with that same name they changed their name to "The New Originals."

RTS: You totally nailed the Guess Who name. Lenny Kravitz certainly did not do anything to help that song. That cover blows. Yes, I am saying your picks suck. Isn't that the point or would that be like a double negative meaning that the songs were good but the picks themselves suck? No, Yes really is terrible. I am totally confused and am just going to move onto...

#4 Bohemian Rhapsody- Queen. This song may have been huge in the 70s prior to Wayne's World in the early 90s, but I had not heard it and if I did it was not played like it is now. Catch phases "Party time excellent" and "We're not worthy" from Wayne's World have faded and so should this song. I know it is not a story song but with no chorus and several distinct different parts it plays like one and thus got worn out like one. Plus after the initial "oh isn't that so clever moment" wore off, it is just annoying and long. In it's place how about something else from T.Rex besides Get It On. I like that song and do not know of any other T. Rex songs that receive airplay. Again, it would just be too crazy to deviate from the norm.

Jan: #3a #3b - Fly Like an Eagle and Jungle Love - Steve Miller. Unlike everyone I know, The Steve Miller Band was not the first concert I went to so they (he) hold no place in my cupboard of nostalgia. Fly like an Eagle wants to really test the bounds of music and make you feel like you're living in the future but every time I hear this song I feel like I'm right there in 1976. It's like a less imaginative Peter Frampton; I think that's an insult. Jungle Love starts out with "I met you on somebody's island, You thought you had known me before, I brought you a crate of papaya" - it's like Steve Miller went through Jimmy Buffet's garbage and pulled out that gem. The chord's themselves seem catchy and timeless but listen again and they're now off-putting and annoying.

RTS: Personally, I think all Steve Miller songs sound the same adding to the overplayed feeling of any individual song. I see you prefer to use the exit ramp version of pairing up picks instead of the ponies.

#2 Old Time Rock N Roll- Bob Seger. This song makes me feel like I got shot in the head with a nail gun and dropped a wrench on my foot at the same time. This is what non-hip old people get fired up about while playing pool. Certainly, having the jackass Tom Cruise dancing around in his tighty whities run through my head every time I hear it does not help either. What would be better, pretty much anything including all the songs on this list.

Jan: FYI - I have turned the reigns of #1 over to DTK.

RTS: Nice.

Jan: Can u guess #1?

RTS: Doobie Brothers? Steely Dan? Don't leave me hanging.

Jan: #1 is gong to be *



* insert scene from Holy Grail where writer has a heart attack and dies and the story doesn't really finish.

RTS: Jerk.

Hours pass...

DTK: Number one: "Life in the Fastlane"

This song was on heavy KQ repeat - I think in those early days of KQ highlighting when a song was on "compact digital disc", they only had like three discs. The Eagles greatest hits, Steely Dan, and Steppenwolf. This meant heavy rotation of this meant to be pick me up but cautionary tale. I thought I had purged this from my memory of the 80's and 90's. Now this blog has peeled back a layer of the onion from my past, like some black magic hypnotist, and let me say, there is not one great memory associated with this song.

It's hard to have any list of classic rock (s)hits without mentioning the Eagles. I don't know which God's dick these guys sucked, or whose soul got sold to the Devil for them to have 5 Billboard hits, but I don't like it. These guys have date raped us for 25 years - they got us in bed with Hotel California and then when they started in with "Desperado" we begged them to stop, but they just kept going and going.

Let's face it, remove Hotel California from the Eagles catalogue and you know what would happen if Steely Dan teamed up with Hall and Oates.

The Eagles are one of those bands that seem oddly obsessed with writing songs about the crazy rock star lives they lead - like every song was a sad announcement to the world that they are, in fact, rockstars. Perhaps an overbearing cover for the fact that if you look at their old band promo shots, it's like a skinny Meatloaf impersonator walked into a gay jesus convention. Trust me, if facebook had been around then, these guys would be friend requesting every cool kid they knew from high school.

The problem is, nobody wants to hear about Don Henley having sex or doing coke. We get it. You are rock stars. You buy drugs and fuck and shit, but keep it out of my face you gross, creepy guy. These guys were singing "Witchy Woman" while the Who was jumping off roofs into pools and breaking bones and the Stones were destroying entire floors of hotel rooms. Clearly, these social B-teamers want to tell you how they were throwing crazy parties too. The problem is, Eagles band members, everyone knows the only reason anyone came to your parties was to take advantage of your low self esteem driven need to be liked so they could trash your house, steal your booze, and eat everything in your fridge. And then in the morning the only people still there are the foreign exchange students who got left there by the cool kids they lived with - who were going back to their cool kid houses to bang their hot girlfriends. I promise you, nobody from high school wants to hear me, Jan and RTS sing about doing coke off a strippers tit in some Tijuana hump barn. We'd sing it, it'd become a hit, and then people would send emails saying "So, you guys still filming each other making those fake "COPS" videos?" We got it, Don. You're not a virgin. You had a substantial coke problem that you could afford. Just say it in Rolling Stone and stop begging us to watch your homemade snuff film.

You also feel like they may have written this ode to fast living so somebody would use it in a car commercial in the future. I've always suspected Queen did the same thing with "We Are the Champions". They must have sat around and said "let's write a song that someday everyone will play after they win a championship and have to pay us a royalty". Which is odd, because it's not clear they were actually the champions of anything, and because I just don't think Freddie Mercury was a huge sports fan. (footnote-- I don't know this for sure and it's not because he was gay. It was because he was SOOOOOOO gay.) In fairness, not even they could have imagined it being the glue that held Revenge of the Nerds together, but when you shit a seed, sometimes it grows into a tree. Also, they went ahead and added "We will Rock You" on the B side which I believe was their attempt to answer the, at the time omnipresent, Reese's peanut butter cup commercial's "you put your peanut butter in my chocolate" craze. Ram two good things together and then shove them right down people's throats.

But back to "Life in the Fastlane": The opening guitar rift feels like a sad attempt to musically answer Layla. But you give it a chance, and it almost makes you think something exciting is going to happen. Like walking into a cool new place. You want to order a drink and give it a chance. Then Don Henley starts singing, "He was brutally handsome, and she was terminally pretty". What? Fuck you, Don Henley. Now you're starting to wonder if you're at the wrong bar. Then that fucking "Life in the Fastlane" chorus hits you, and you're like "Yep. This was a mistake." What's especially irritating about this piece of shit, is that about halfway through the song they start inexplicably jamming, but in a way that makes you think that maybe besides joe walsh, they just aren't very good and they want you to know it.

I know people say the Eagles are a piece of rock and roll history, and I concede the point. But history is riddled with mostly garbage. I'm not trying to compare the Eagles to say, Hitler, but in many ways they are worse.

They had the bad taste to have a reunion tour.

RTS: (stunned silence). As we waited for the #1 song, I compiled the back and forth emails and I wrote the conclusion. I figured I would just add 1 or 2 sentences about the #1 song. Well I just deleted that. There is nothing more to say other than thanks to all of the cruddy and overplayed songs, but there can only be one winner.